My tummy is getting hairy.
I don't know what set this off, but after 33 years of body baldness things they are a changin'. Feel free to sing that however you wish.
In just a handful of months I've gone from squeaky clean bald boy to slowing enveloped fluff man.
I honestly thought after having been overlooked for puberty that my one saving grace would be the avoidance of unsightly body hair. Now in a cruel twist of fate just as my metabolism hits an all-time low and I begin to spread like I can't believe it's not butter, I am now burdened with extra hair I don't use and never needed.
I suppose this decline began in my mid twenties, a slight row of darker than normal hairs reaching above my belt in an orderly fashion reaching ever closer to my belly button. This is where the advance stopped. Now, as it has begun again encroaching ever further north, I can only assume the hairs went down into my navel and got lost, slowly circling for ten years and asking each other if they hadn't passed that bit of lint before.
I now consider this to be an all out assault. The forest reclaiming the desert (like that ever happens in this world). My body is defying nature and rising up against me, even though I did nothing to provoke it.
The hair itself is spreading in all directions directly out from my belly button, squads appear to be heading both east and west, while several do-gooders stay behind to help the women and children build a city and the main attack force slowly advance north.
Here, just below my man mountains, they have set up camp while advanced parties of their darkest tallest warriors have set up outposts around my nipples.
Runners appear to be relaying messages between these two outposts, while covert operations take place behind me.
I really do hate to think of the breadth and scale of that operation, hidden as it is in total darkness.
If for whatever reason they make a tactical move for control and strangle me in my sleep tonight, know this, I didn't want this fight and was always a conscientious objector.
I don't know what set this off, but after 33 years of body baldness things they are a changin'. Feel free to sing that however you wish.
In just a handful of months I've gone from squeaky clean bald boy to slowing enveloped fluff man.
I honestly thought after having been overlooked for puberty that my one saving grace would be the avoidance of unsightly body hair. Now in a cruel twist of fate just as my metabolism hits an all-time low and I begin to spread like I can't believe it's not butter, I am now burdened with extra hair I don't use and never needed.
I suppose this decline began in my mid twenties, a slight row of darker than normal hairs reaching above my belt in an orderly fashion reaching ever closer to my belly button. This is where the advance stopped. Now, as it has begun again encroaching ever further north, I can only assume the hairs went down into my navel and got lost, slowly circling for ten years and asking each other if they hadn't passed that bit of lint before.
I now consider this to be an all out assault. The forest reclaiming the desert (like that ever happens in this world). My body is defying nature and rising up against me, even though I did nothing to provoke it.
The hair itself is spreading in all directions directly out from my belly button, squads appear to be heading both east and west, while several do-gooders stay behind to help the women and children build a city and the main attack force slowly advance north.
Here, just below my man mountains, they have set up camp while advanced parties of their darkest tallest warriors have set up outposts around my nipples.
Runners appear to be relaying messages between these two outposts, while covert operations take place behind me.
I really do hate to think of the breadth and scale of that operation, hidden as it is in total darkness.
If for whatever reason they make a tactical move for control and strangle me in my sleep tonight, know this, I didn't want this fight and was always a conscientious objector.
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