5kg

The body is an amazing thing, mine however, is not.

In the 2 weeks I spent sitting on my bum at home in New Zealand I managed to put on 5kg. Not of muscle, not of extra brain mass, but pure fatty fatty fat fat.

I once heard a comedian describe his fat deposits as energy in waiting, proof that he was ready to explode into action at any given moment. I've tried to convince myself that I am in the same boat, except I'm too heavy and am causing that boat to dip below the water line.

5kg's may not sound like much, some people lose as much after breakfast, but I am wee. I probably look my best around the 65kg mark, blessed though I am with a classic I shape, bereft of shoulders which would otherwise disguise my waistline. I'm currently 75kg and look like a freshly fed constrictor.

Now don't get me wrong, I like to run around and will happily chase a ball like a puppy high on life. It's just that opportunities to do so become rarer as my friends settle down, break down or just give up. Choosing to allow their bosoms to expand exponentially into full cup sizes rather than exert themselves in any way, acknowledging that life is too hard and gravity too great.

I don't want that to be me and when I grew my own bosoms in 2008, I vowed to get rid of them. Gone were the daily curries, banished to a Tuesday only affair. KFC Sunday's moved to a purely monthly indulgence. Beer was no longer my drink of choice at meal time. Not even for breakfast.

I also recognised how my habits effected my weight. Shift work had a truly detrimental effect and I found not even changing my diet could overcome the fluctuations in daily metabolism my body couldn't deal with.

I did beat my tittays, but only once I took over my timetable by becoming a freelancer. This time last year I was back down around 65 and fending the ladies off with a broom handle. It was eventually confiscated by police.

This last month though, stuck in limbo, not knowing when I would have to head to the airport at a moments notice.. has not been good for my figure. There may now be a permanent Jez shaped divit in the couch, an encrusted sweat laden crater surrounded by crumbs.

I still did push ups during this time and while a sure fire jelly knocker prevention technique, it only served to further accentuate my front hump. Though it is of great relief that I did not give up entirely and dress my hump with two folded tea cosies full of titty meat.

That's right, take a moment to recoil from your device in disgust as you let that description sink in, even I was sick in my mouth a little bit.

However news travels fast and so do I, I got the call 2 days ago and am now in the middle east, dead set on losing 5 kilos and not allowing my navel a window to the world between strained buttons.

How you ask? Yo.

Limbo

Rarely do I feel the long dangley tendrils of boredom gripping my face tightly and smothering my will to live. I typically have more on my plate than I ever need, a metaphoric fat person dining out on long hours, multitaskification and a whole spoon full of 'what day is it?'

Right now though, I'm playing the waiting game.

It is the worst game ever invented. The rules are crappy and my official review is a comprehensive 'sucks out of 10'.

I am supposed to start work in the middle east on Oct 6. Today. So while I'm handing out reviews, that's a 'not going to fucking happen out of 10'.

The last couple of weeks have been a hectic mess since I agreed to this contract, cancelled other jobs and desperately ran around like a chook full of roman candles trying to get everything organised.

But with my contract starting today and my person located exactly half a planet away from that obligation, it seems unlikely that I will be able to fulfil my first day on the job.

I know this taste, bureaucracy, all nutty and full of red rope liquorice. Somewhere there's a to-do list with my name on it, right behind doing the laundry and picking up cat biscuits.

I'm sitting here in New Zealand having freed up my calender to travel at the drop of a hat.. watching the clock tick. This is day 3 of watching the clock tick and as entertainment goes, I give it a 'jackhammer out of 10'. Each tick another scratch on the blackboard, each tock another sharp tap on the head with a rubber mallet.

I know this will end, I know I will be on a plane sooner rather than later.. but not knowing exactly when, agony.

Dessert

I am going back to the desert and the camel spiders I left behind.

No longer will the lush sub tropical bush of New Zealand be a hindrance to my locomotion as I freely turn at will, unencumbered by foliage of any description.

My dance with the dust is not a decision I've taken lightly, but as it's only for a couple of months, it's hard to turn down.

It has meant cancelling a couple of other projects, a music video for the Murderchord and an ad campaign for the White Ribbon Foundation, but hopefully I can make it up them in the future. I've also had to take my bum off and put it aside in order to get through the remaining projects I'm part way through.

Negotiations went something like this - "Can you start in 3 weeks?".. *consideration* "Ok, send me the dates" followed by reading and this exclamation "*expletive removed* That's more like ten days".

Life has been hectic.

Still, once the kinks are ironed out this foray back into sand will fit snuggley into the calender and give me the impetus I need to return to my *great works. 

It also provides a chance to spend more time in Finland, a place I'm becoming increasingly fond of. My plan is to spend Christmas as I usually do, with a BBQ and a spot of cricket. The fact it may be -40C is of no concern to me.

I also plan to build a new website and slot this blog pragmatically into it somewhere, so if you return to jezbrown.com at any time to find it filled with whizz bangery, you will know that I did that.

*may not be so great

Christmas

Sometimes.. just sometimes, I forget that I'm an old person and not everyone grew up in Palmerston North. Recently I let slip that we made some Christmas albums a way-way back and people keep hounding me about it, so here you go. Sorry Al.

These are three of my favourite songs from the second album. The whole idea of the project was to rip off NOFX's 'Fuck the kids' concept and write and record entire albums in a single week. We recorded all the songs at the Stomach in Palmy and often only got through a single decent take before moving on to the next song.

A Christmas Cracker - http://tinyurl.com/l8mgju4

This is my favourite song off the second record, it's about the insanity of Christmas and how people put on a brave face despite losing it at that time of year. I got in references to Universal Solider, MC Hammer and the last line (which people always ask about) is "..you find me here beneath your tree and I'm eating meat, and I won't say where I got it from, but Woofy needs some gravy".

Eat Tinsel And Die - http://tinyurl.com/ma24g9p

This was a lot of other people's favourite track off the album, it's about the first Christmas a 3 year old has to spend with their nearly year old baby sister. My favourite lyric from this comes from the maniacal bravado in "..the sandpit will be mine again!". This was me commenting on the selfish side of Christmas, but I frankly can't help loving this little tough guy, I think it's because I know he cannot win. - I only had one or two takes at this and was regularly out of tune and out of time, I was eating a cold BK chicken burger with extra mayo at the time.

The Clatter Of Many Hooves - http://tinyurl.com/mxcywrq

This is my second favourite song on the album, it's about an elf with little job satisfaction, feeling he does all the work while the reindeer take all the glory. We were running out of time having wasted a considerable amount of effort trying to cover "Snoopy's Christmas" and we were still 3 songs short of a record. I recorded both voices in one take and ad-libbed the whole second part. Something I'm still immensely proud of and which blew Andy Young's mind. Seeing as Andy was there and we never did manage to get through Snoopy's Christmas, we got him to play drums and sing the last song on the record, the very angry, very cantonese, "Smiley, Happy, Christmas Song". So here's your bonus track, you'll have to ask Andy what he's saying.

Smiley, Happy, Christmas Song - http://tinyurl.com/m5sah6x

A big thanks to everyone who performed on the records and special thanks to Dougal Ross for writing this silliness with me.

There were always supposed to be three albums, but while I wrote songs for a third, it never materialized. Maybe one day. When we're even older.

Scorpions

I am stepping down from my role as Media & Marketing Manager of the New Zealand Ice Hockey League.

I have held the role for 2 seasons and overseen a great deal of change, especially off the ice.

I saw that as my role, to focus on the fans and in doing so grow the game.

I feel I succeeded rather well, adding colour, atmosphere, providing good guidance and increasing the image, communication and patronage across the league.

It has been deeply rewarding, seeing the growth, being part of the community and effecting positive change. I have a lot of pride in what I've achieved and know that I have helped lay a solid foundation for the future. I am sure the structure I have put in place will continue to evolve the game and bring new people to it.

With so many positives, it can be hard to fathom why I am leaving, but the fact is I am exhausted.

Implementing the vast array of changes I brought to the league was no mean feat and required huge amounts of time, energy and patience. The hardest part is probably behind us, but I feel someone new to the role will freshen things up and I have told the league I will be available on a consultation basis should my experience need to be called upon.

I would now like to shift my focus back to what brought me into ice hockey, television.

I feel with the increase in the quality of the product that the move towards more televised coverage becomes ever more inevitable.

I do enjoy producing that content and think confining my efforts to this area will generate the best results.

And that is my hope, that in the 10th season of the NZIHL, we will be bringing the game to a screen near you.

There's a lot of water to pass under the bridge, but if the proposals put forward in my end of season report are adhered to then I see no reason why we cannot.

In the meantime, I need a holiday and some cricket.

www.nzihl.com