Matka

When I first got to the middle east I had no idea about exit visas and was told I wouldn't be able to take any trips while I was here. I took this on the chin and decided to put my head down and tail up, get on with work and not think about it.

But when opportunity came knocking I wasn't about to kick it in the face, so after some extensive paperwork and a b-line via Instanbul I now find myself in Finland.

If I thought New Zealand couldn't be more different from the middle east, I was wrong. Finland and the middle east stand at opposite ends of the differential compass and the 10 hour exchange from hot sandy desert to freezing snowy outcrop has been stark.

Nothing says wake up your ideas like the transition between 30 and -10.

It is beautiful here and much easier to deal with than the middle east. For starters most people can speak english and a warm finnish greeting turns into english without skipping a beat the second I say hello.

Food is much easier to manage also, I've left the world of undecipherable cans behind for a bright new world of appropriately labelled packaging and glass jars. I swear I almost cried in the supermarket at the airport.

The airport itself felt oddly kiwi, a mix of steel, glass and stone. I could have landed in Queenstown or Dunedin. All the signage was also easy to manage as most stated their function in Finnish, Swedish and English. I've learned more Finnish and Swedish in 1 day than I have Arabic in 2 months for this very reason.

While the huge words pose a challenge and the addition and removal of the letter 'n' in conversation seems at best random, some words are very cute. For example you can't not like a country when their word for elevator is 'hissi'.

People have been warm, welcoming and drenched in smiles, a far cry from the cold, soul-less emotional voids described to me by some people. People are utterly delightful, polite and did I mention gorgeous? I have found the goose that lays the beautiful people eggs. Aside from the supermodels working in McDonald's I saw dwarf today and he was the most beautiful dwarf I have ever seen.

Finland so far has not put a foot wrong, unlike me as I negotiate the icy footpaths. It's clean, functional and a bit cheaper than I was expecting. Though it does pay to double the price of anything before handing over your money when converting from the South Pacific Peso. Most supermarket items are reasonable, fast food on the other hand is not.

Still this wasn't going to stop me trying the local delicacies, such as a nommy rye burger from Hesburger. I have photos, but can't negotiate this Finnish computer. I've been guessing the go buttons and am pretty happy to have gotten this far.

As such updates may be sparing at best as I enjoy my holiday, but fret not for if I freeze they will find me in the summer thaw and let you all know.

Cheese

The funny thing about the middle east is how american it is. Regardless of the propaganda you might see on TV, american chains are everywhere here.

Today I thought I'd try a couple we don't have in New Zealand, T.G.I Friday's and Fuddruckers with a dollop of professional wrestling sandwiched in between.

T.G.I Friday's was like that restaurant Rachel works at in Office Space. Stripey shirts, silly hats, lots of badges, souls destroyed. The food was good, as was the service, but you couldn't help but feel the people working there had been hollowed out, made to pretend they were happy and quirky to the point they simply died inside.

The wrestling was a highlight and a childhood dream come true. Wall to wall muscle men showboating and bashing each other in their undies, interspersed with rock music, lights and.. err, they seemed to forget the pyrotechnics, a marginally forgiveable oversight.

For the secretly curious closet wrestling cases back home, we got John Cena, CM Punk, Kane, Ryback, the Shield, Daniel Bryant, Mark Henry, Kofi Kingston, Dirk Ziggler, plus a bunch of muscley others. It was an interesting mix of the fake and the unfortunate as a few blows actually found their mark. I was genuinely surprised that the guys got up at times.

Afterwards it was time to try Fuddruckers where you choose the size of your patty in half pound increments. I went for the 1/2 pound and fought my way through it. It was the best burger I've had since I"ve been here, but to be fair the competition hasn't been great. Still, for a change it was nice to eat meat I was certain was beef and to order a meal with avocado and actually get avocado.

We had to leave when pest control arrived and started pulling apart all the seating around us to wipe down with hellacious gusto.

All round I give my american arabian experience a positive review and look upon it as a weird analogy for the way america goes about its business. Fun, cheesey and fake.

Tights

I've been at pains to find someone to go to the wrestling with me. Noone has been keen and while I'm understanding, I am no less disappointed.

Today in a bit of a panic and on the verge of giving up, I asked a girl from work who hails from Tennessee to join me and despite my sleep deprived exuberant state, she agreed.

Now to me this makes total sense, redneck blood flows through her veins and rednecks love wrestling. Except I haven't really slept in 36 hours, read this totally wrong, she doesn't like wrestling and probably felt pressured to agree to come. The magic pixies all around me probably don't exist either.

On reflection I now realise I'm going on a date. A rather unexpected date which will be equal parts awkward. Not least of all because I am a ming and she really doesn't want to go.

The hilarious part is she probably took pity on me and thinks I'm interested in her, so looking at this from her perspective, it couldn't really be any better. A date with a minger she doesn't like, who's every utterance will be perceived as a come on, at an event she doesn't want to be at.

Perfect!

I give this agreed excursion every chance of falling through before Friday and believe the odds are firmly stacked in favour of her pulling the pin FOR ANY CONCEIVABLE REASON, closely followed by a flimsy reason, then a genuine but lame reason and finally a real reason.

Should we actually go together, there may be a chance of showers or hell freezing over, just a heads up.

I think the most likely scenario involves giving her ticket to my indian taxi driver and enjoying an evening of broken english and men in tights. The less awkward of the two potential evenings.

Face

Not only have I recently become the voice of *insert employer here*, but today I was asked to appear in their ad campaign, somewhat making me the face of *insert employer here*.

To me this is nothing short of hilarious and adds weight to the satire of me as a chat show host back home.

It's something no New Zealander will probably ever see, but helps expand the universe of my satirical character and gives me the giggles.

999

I've been laid out in bed for the last couple of days, but when the building next door catches fire, you get up.

These are the photos I'd already emailed to a friend before the police told me to delete the photos I had taken.

And one from the roof where there were no police.

The place on fire is a building supplies store, luckily the fire did not spread to the rare cardboard box collection on the roof.