Monsters

Remember when we used to care about things like.. I dunno.. each other? People we didn't know. We had empathy, we understood our neighbours.

So when did we turn into monsters?

We focus on increasing income, meeting the right partner, having a bunch of kids and sticking all of them and all of our things under one roof.

Why does this mean we have to neglect the less fortunate, the environment and our own personal freedoms?

The current New Zealand government is a one trick pony, but of course like any magician if you practice enough you're going to get good at your tricks. You may dazzle the crowd and you may make some money doing it. But of course if you do it too much, people are going to get bored and when they figure out how you do it, they're not going to care about you at all.

Our Prime Minister is like a squirrel, running around, all bright and chipper, busy as a bee, working hard and looking all cute with a big smile on his face. And he loves collecting up nuts, lots of nuts, America's nuts and putting them in his mouth and he smiles as he sighs "ooh yummy".

He wants us to be just like them and firmly believes we'll be better off if we are.

It's no secret he likes money, it's no secret he has lots. He may actually believe that if you work hard anyone can have as much as they want. But that belief has one major flaw, for his concept to work, most people have to be poor.

And what does that mean? Does it mean they don't have as much money? No. It means they don't get to eat. It means they don't get to have a proper education. It means homeless people. It means desperate people. It means more crime, more distrust, more greed, more envy, more pressure, more depression and a constantly expanding gap between the haves and have nots.

We here in New Zealand don't like to make a fuss, we don't like to rock the boat, we are very trusting and despite being a nation of whingers, we are extremely adept at taking orders.

These traits are not unique, but they do make a mess when they are taken advantage of.

When did we fall in with the wrong crowd?

Right now New Zealand is being put out to pasture, our personal freedoms, assests, laws, our future, all being sold off, all being whipped right out from under us.

And it wasn't our idea.

We've been too slow to react, too blind to join the dots, too unwilling to believe it and too timid to do enough about it. We may say "how dare you", but the powers that be know we will take it and the powers to come won't move to change it.

At this time New Zealand needs to be brave, we need to stand up not for what we believe in, but what we believe is just. We need to stand up to the world and we need to be strong in the face of criticism by who we currently call our friends.

If money is the only reason we don't prioritise health, education and the welfare of our common man, then we have truly lost our way.

We may not be monsters in our minds, but as we drink from the poison chalice we are more than beginning to change.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Strange_Case_of_Dr_Jekyll_and_Mr_Hyde

Further

One of the other unnerving things about life on the road is being never quite sure where you are waking up.

Every morning in a bleary haze I go through the same ritual of wondering exactly where I am, what town, who's house etc.. even in my own room.

My flatmate had a excellent suggestion today however, an assurance whiteboard.

A whiteboard right next to the bed with all the information I need so when I wake up I can bring myself up to speed and reassure myself that everything is fine.

News Digs

Ahh, whoops, forgot to regale you with the positives of the comedy festival, but forget that for a moment.

I was pretty scathing in my assessment of the festival organisation on some levels and when asked to fill out an official survey I did so with due diligence.

To my surprise, rather than simply be banned for life, I have been asked to meet with the organisers tomorrow to discuss my thoughts. Whether they agree with me or not I am happy to doff my cap to their willingness to open up discussion on the matter, an official meeting was not something I ever expected.

Cool beans.

And speaking of cool beans, as you may know I spend most of my time on the road. This week is my first at home for some time and I do use the term 'home' loosely. Since procuring this domicile I have spent exactly 5 days in total within its walls, when I arrive 'home' it's hard not to think of it as just another place I am staying for the night.

Most of my belongings are still in storage.. ahem ahem, at my Mum's house, sorry Mum, you know I love you. Anyway, this lack of my own belongings in my home can be frustrating when I'm so used to living out of a bag. The little things matter a lot more, so when I went into town today to purchase a new towel and found Briscoes had a 50% of towels sale, I went a little nuts.

Faced with a sale a didn't expect on the exact item I was looking to purchase drove me to insanity, I simply lost control and only two of the finest matching towel and flannel sets, two handtowels and a new bathmat later could I be finally placated.

Never before in my life have I been so enamoured with the colour coordination of my bathroom or need to match towels with flannels. Usually my only prerequisite is size, I love a big towel. Now I have four of them.

Still I hate to think anyone was watching me on the security camera at Briscoes as I took the process of towel purchase far too seriously. Scurrying up and down the isles, comparing minor details with scientific precision, folding and unfolding, holding each up to each other like swatches. But the truly telling feature would have been the look on my face, total glee with a touch of reckless abandon.

No kid in any candy store anywhere in the world could have come close to the exuberance exhibited by me.

Funny

Heads up, this is in two parts, the first a massive whinge, the second a delightful frolic through happiness and joy. If you want to skip the whinge and go straight to the good times, by all means, it makes sense.

THE WHINGE

I try not to whinge as much as I can these days, recognising that one of our national pastimes is not one of our greater character traits. I do however stand up on my hind legs when I feel injustice is being served.

This year I performed in the New Zealand International Comedy Festival, it was a lark. I had a good time. I also lost a lot of money.

In talking to seasoned comedians who know the festival circuit well I was told this was our showcase and losing money shouldn't be an issue as it would lead to other comedy work. This is quite correct and the true value of the festival for performers. So what irks me? The fact I didn't need to lose money on this festival.

I lost a fair sum, but not as much as some others. While some people made money with lower ticket prices and fewer door sales.

"Wait a mo, that's bad maths Jez, how can one possibly make more money than you by charging less and having fewer people through the door?" The answer is simple, I was in a 'festival venue'.

Being in a 'festival venue' held no value whatsoever when compared to a non-festival venue. They all held equal billing, shared equal space in the festival booklet and were all things equal on the festival website.

The difference was that performing in a 'festival venue' meant the addition of a large venue hire charge and having to put your ticket sales through Ticketek.

Now I am not going to mince words here, I think the venue hire was a joke, potentially the best one in the festival and the festival was pretty funny. Such a large fee for such a small venue would make me grizzle, but when the performer next door isn't paying a cent because his is a 'non-festival venue' resplendent with equal billing, I'm inclined to shake a stick.

It's a pretty nasty wound I am now sporting in my right buttock where my wallet used to be, but luckily there is plenty of Ticketek salt to rub into it. Ticketek, the gangly ninja school drop out, is still quite capable of whacking off great swathes of cash from each ticket with its money cleaver. If it's not bad enough to frighten off punters with extortionate booking fees, it's quite another to take a large chunk of every sale, be rude to my customers and charge me for every person on my door list.

It actually cost me money to give tickets away, not in the losses incurred with the giveaway, but in actually paying for the ticket I was giving away!

I will never use Ticketek again, ever. Even if I get monumentally famous because I trip and fall and expose myself in front of a camera and that somehow turns into notoriety which spawns a career, I will not use them.

There are far better options out there providing far better services for a lot less hassle and cost.

Now I'm not done and do feel like a heel for bringing this up, but I wasn't happy with the festival organisers. I have no doubt they worked hard, I have no doubt they had a lot on their plate, but despite cheery group emails exclaiming to be there for us, they were not.

As a single example I was told to contact the festival promotions person with anything I was working on or needed help with, so I did, by txt, by calling and by finding them in person. They never got back to me once.

Perhaps I'm too small to bother with, a bumbling baby elephant, hardly able to walk or feed itself simply knocking over vases and generally being an annoyance in the office. But the thing about babies is that they grow up and the thing about elephants is that they have long memories.

I could have made more money and had bigger crowds by ignoring the festival altogether and that can't be a good position for the organisers to be in.

So why write about it here and not email them directly? Because I know I'm not the only one in this position and I don't think an email would change a thing. Other comedians are too worried about their careers to speak out, it looks like sour grapes, but I will burn this bridge if it means positive change for my fellow performers.

You do think "..is it me?", "..what did I do wrong?" and spend lonely rocking thumb sucking time in your comedy cocoon (parents house). I'd rather make my feelings public so those people know they're not alone and remind everyone that the whole festival machine needs to be well oiled at all levels to run properly.

Sadly I have come to question the purpose of the festival, it felt far too much like my losses didn't matter and the only goal of the organisers was to make the festival look good. Why else would I be told to give tickets away when my pre-sales were low rather than looking at another rationale?

This we can argue till our faces turn blue and fall off I am sure, but it doesn't feel like a festival when the balance between the comedy community and the commercial imperative takes a fundamental shift.

Purely from a Wellington perspective I would double the number of office staff, lower the number of 'official venue managers' and 'official festival venues' while culling Ticketek from all the smaller performances. Two staff for handling the smaller acts requirements and promotion while working in conjunction with two staff handling the larger ones.

It's not rocket science as rocket science is the science of rockets, which this is not.

You just do not want performers telling each other that if you play with the festival you're going to get burnt.

Soaked

Filming the IIHF tournament was a rip roaring success. We put 15 games out into the ether and only had a handful of Hungarian stalkers come back. I'm putting that in the win column.

In the "I'm ready to start believing in God if my arse can somehow be saved from the fire" column is my show in the comedy festival.

Every now and again I'll be working on a project and the "can go wrong, will go wrong" curse will take hold. It's a blessing, but it's mostly a curse. It forces me to think outside the box and fix problems others deem unfixable. I assume this pre-determined life experience is preparing me for some greater purpose such as single handedly holding off the attack of a gigantic mining vessel so the shuttles and my newly born child can escape.

Certainly the original concept of the show resembles a boat on fire, but that's not to say the sexy Mexicans can't be rescued.

In fact at this very moment I am bundling supplies into a sack and launching a campaign to save myself. Admittedly I may need to put on a whale costume and pretend to be stuck in some ice, but if I can sway the weight of public support behind me then I'm next to certain I can sell 8, maybe even 11 tickets.

The sad fact is I need to sell 180 tickets and no amount of flailing about in the Wellington harbour attracting unsolicited interspecies relations is going to do it.

I can't say it'll be a total loss though, if we speak purely in un-monetary terms. I will get a private audience with the band and the band ain't bad  http://mattmulholland.com/