Stars

The #1 question I am being asked today is if I don't like the Top 40, what then do I think the flag should be?

I'm glad you asked, except that it meant trawling through all 10,292 national flag submissions at some considerable effort. I do have better things to do, I just must not want to do them.

Let's be clear from the outset, this is not a national logo picking competition. If it were, the fern would win hands down. Well done to all the marketing people who have wretchedly and increasingly obtusely forced it upon us over the years.

I think this is where the official panel of flag pickers got it so wrong, they went logo and we went "oh no". Perhaps someone could have explained to the panel that we live in three dimensions, not one.

A flag should be simple and it should represent everybody. This is the flag Tony Veitch has been bandying around. Congratulations, if you like this flag, you like a sport.

The flag should represent everybody, even the knock kneed science geeks with no sporting code of affiliation. So while navigating the maze of ferns, koru's and kiwis, I did try to keep an open mind in coming up with my own Top 40.

I tried to take basic flag design into consideration as well as my own 4 rules which I laid out previously. So here goes, in some semblance of order, but certainly not favouritism, my Top 40 NZ flags.

I'm going to start inexplicably with those which have ferns on them. I know this breaks rule #2, but then I don't think every flag in my Top 40 should be the new flag. I accept that it needs to be here as part of the discussion, so if it has to have a fern on it, this is what I would choose from.

In fact I broke rule #4 there as well, so let's cross these off, but expect to see them on a speedway derby car sometime in the future.

Let's move on to the use of korus. I'm not entirely opposed to the use of korus, but as pointed out to me by a few people, you don't want the flag to look like it's going down the drain.

I think the use of korus here isn't too bad, but again, I wouldn't choose any of these as my flag.

This sheep here is as surprised as anybody that it pooed stars

On to korus used within convention. I kind of like these, it feels like I'm giving the finger to the Queen.

I actually wouldn't mind having one as our new national flag, busy though they might be.

Maybe we could aspire to be like another nation?

But if we stick with the Queen for a moment, I do like this Kenya inspired option..

But I would change the colour scheme.

Anyway, on to red, white and blue bars and stripes

These are strong flags, if a bit sea faring. I would lean towards the first and the fourth ones in this section, I like the back story of the first that the three main stars are our major islands, while number 4 makes me feel like our country is actually in the Caribbean.. and therefore warmer.

Maybe we should go with red, white and blue baa's.

That was low. Great flag though, it fills me with patriotic fervour, sort of like these 1990 commonwealth games numbers..

Or this ode to Taumaranui

I'd certainly be worried if I was the other countries watching that flag come out at the games.

It's crisp blue skies, fluffy clouds and green hills lead me to our next group, the blue, puffy.. green.. ocean.. err.. what "NZ looks like when you get here" group

Again, I would be pretty comfortable with almost any of these being our flag. They're bold, reflective of our country and not copyrighted. To me they do say New Zealand, but if they don't go far enough for you, there's always this

Except this might help the ongoing confusion amongst foreigners about which kiwi we want to be likened to.

Here are a couple more flags which I think have strong ideas

None of them would really look out of place flying above the Beehive.

But what's my favourite you ask?

This, obviously.

But if it came right down to it, if someone held a gun to my head and said "you can't have awesome bike flag", well then I'd choose this

To me, this is a strong, robust, New Zealand flag. I identify with the colours and I'd be happy seeing it flown in a stadium or patched to the arm of one of our "peacekeepers". To me, without being cheesy, without lowering ourselves to logos and emblems, this is the flag of Aotearoa.

Also, I heard those other flags said you looked like dorks!

Flagons

I have opinions on the flag debate.

"Why" "WHY?!" I hear you ask. "It's not even a debate, it's one overstroked corporate ego in the midst of a self serving rebranding exercise."

And you're right, that's exactly what this is. A rich man who wanted to be Prime Minister, used his finances and influence to realise his dream and now wants to leave his egotistical mark on the nation like a businessman kissing a prostitute.

I have an opinion because years before our Prime Minister slithered out of the Wall St woodwork, I too felt we needed a new flag. Our current flag is a colonial flag, but I think we've far outgrown the label of colon-y. We are a nation which can stand on it's own two feet.. until we sign away our sovereignty.. but that's another matter.

So while I agree we should look at a new flag, I cannot agree with the process, the cost or the absolutely vile Top 40 picked out by a group of utterly inept Noddie and friends.

Here is the Top 40 from which our potential new flag will be picked, prepare to get a little vomit in your mouth.

I have quickly canvassed people I trust to make sure I'm not just being an arsehole, but without the slightest deviation, all agree this list is an abomination. Phrases like "ew" and "..it looks like a first year design student's portfolio" pretty much nutted it on the head for me.

At this juncture I think it's fair to say the decision around our national flag is done and dusted. None of these designs will topple our current flag. And I have mixed feelings about this, because A) I actually want a new flag, and B) I am so so glad it won't be any of these.

I've spent an unhealthy amount of time looking through the submissions over the past few months, there were some really good designs. It's just sad none of them made the Top 40. Judging by the list, never even came close, because they didn't go with the far superior option of letting blind chimpanzees pick at random in a dark room.

Because no-one involved in this process seems to know jack diddley about flag design, I came up with a list of guidelines to help narrow the field.

1) - No black.

You can argue our national colour is black, but you can't argue black is a colour, next!

2) - No fern.

The silver fern is our national emblem, it does not belong on the flag, it is on literally everything else.

3) - No kiwi.

We are not the airforce.

And finally..

4) - my 4 year old niece must be able to draw it.

It's not rocket science, but a few more blind chimps in confined spaces might bring us closer to the mark.

My personal opinion is the flag should be blue, green and white, which will rankle the "we are not Fonterra" people, but by the same token, maybe Fonterra actually did some proper market research in defining the colours which best represent our country.

Then again, maybe my good friend Hadley Donaldson nailed it from the start.

Wednesday

Almost 2 months have passed since my last wrote so vehemently staking my claim on the future.

In that time, I didn't stand up to the courage of my convictions, I allowed myself to once again be besotted by work and I haven't made a dent in the comedy application I've been at pains to perfect.

And that makes today a very important day.

For the last 5 years I have worked closely with the New Zealand Ice Hockey League, building it up and making the impossible a reality. I have given it my all and placed the importance of its success far above anything else in my life. I have succeeded.

Had I put the same time and effort into comedy, your cousin you hardly talk to might know my name by now. I might be appearing on a bad panel show and rolling my eyes at every lame white bread joke. I might be drawing crowds in the 10's playing some backwater dive and making disparaging remarks about the genetic make up of the people from the next town over.

I could have all that and more.

Today is the day I bid adieu and blow kisses to the NZIHL as my ship drifts slowly away from the dock. It's been fun and there are some achievements of which I am extremely proud, but the elves are leaving and they said they'd lend me change for the bus at the other end.

I normally don't like fanfare, I shy away from celebrating success, even birthdays, but this time is different. I want to celebrate the success of all my friends in helping to build this impossible ice hockey castle up in the air. Because it was impossible and it could not have been done without the hugs, laughter and skill of some dedicated inspirational people.

My last game will be the Skate Of Origin in Queenstown on August 29, an event I retrieved from the ashes and applied resuscitation to for three years. The fact that it is still using its inhaler is a sign it hasn't completely recovered, but with it now a part of the NZ Winter Games, I feel it has a chance to go on without me.

Today is the day I stop using the phrase "a means to an end" because every means is a distraction. If you have a crazy dream, you must silence the doubters and chase it for all you are worth. You must lie on your death bed and speak knowing you gave it everything you had, understand that success and happiness are not one and the same and that your journey was well spent.

Here goes.

Bitchin'

I was in a meeting today and found this blog front and centre on the board room big screen. "Oh yeah." I thought to myself, with an "Oh right." strapped to the caboose.

I began writing here to detail my adventures overseas, to put my Mum's mind at rest and avoid typing out the same story seventy times on whatever chat service was currently taking my fancy.

The reason I've returned is because I've decided to detail my next adventure, one which is quite heartfelt and personal, but which I hope we can all revel in together.

I turn 35 next month, I'm single, I have no kids, I run my own business and I am the envy of all my married, child laden, boss kowtowing friends. I think it's viewed by them as a choice, or even luck, but in truth I'm a terrible boyfriend, probably sterile and owning your own business means not having a penny to your name most days of the year.

What I do have, is freedom.

Not crazy USA style freedom paid for with the blood, sweat and tears of the very poor, but the freedom to choose a new direction, to chase a dream. Some might argue that is an American dream, but I think the real American dream is to wring every drop of blood, sweat and tears from every poor person everywhere and I don't share those aspirations.

My dream is to be funny for a living. To bring laughter to the world and enjoy the smiles I put on people's faces. I want to laugh loudly every day of my life. I want to hear other people laugh, I want to laugh with them. I want to squeeze smiles from those who don't have much to smile about and feel them lift that little bit.

I did stand up, I was even quite good for a while. "Next big thing" I heard mentioned more than a few times, but I never lived up to that billing. In reality I probably never came close.

I had to go away from stand up comedy for a while after I started to resent the audience for laughing at jokes I didn't think were funny. I never had the knack for repetition, everything had to be fresh and new to keep me interested. I would find a joke funny the first time, not the second, question it the third and want to kill myself by its fourth retelling.

Professional stand ups do the same jokes hundreds of times in a year, potentially thousands of times over the course of their careers. This was my failing as a stand up comic, great material, poor distribution.

After a couple of years I started experimenting, being a bit strange, trying new things. People would see me on a poster and come along only to discover I was nothing like what I used to be and they were happy to tell me how bad they thought I was.

The truth though wasn't that I was bad, but that I was different. I was enjoying stand up a lot more, so I decided to stick at it. For two years I listened to people tell me how bad I was and how much they didn't like my performance. For two years I questioned myself every step of the way, wondering if they were right.

Until I finally decided "Fuck 'em, have fun."

Things began to click, the old audience stumbled away into the darkness and a new one came out of the toilet.

A fellow comic once said to me "Jez, what you do isn't comedy, it's art." I said "Can't it be both?". I watched him ponder this moment deeply, sip his beer and walk away. 20 minutes later he returned, tapped me on the shoulder, said "Yes it can." and walked off again. I loved that.

The thing is, I love all kinds of comedy and as a student of the art form, I want to press on. I can be a "camel lion" on stage according to my spellchecker, political eviscerations one day, avant garde full lycra body suit ukulele playing gimp the next. For me the joy is the laugh, but how we get there has become so much more important. I no longer want it to be easy, I want to be challenged and I want people to have to think.

So I'm applying for comedy television school, in London.

Again.

That's right, again. Unbeknownst to you, but knownst to all of those within tree shaking distance of me, I applied last year as well.

This year is different however.

I have even less time to prepare.

I'm staggering round like a husk of a man because of my current vocation, more about that later me thinks. It can be hard to draw blood from a stone, though I suppose I could ask the Americans. This empty husk MUST finish his application on time and make a damn decent fisting of it. I'm hoping by leaving this here where you can see it, that you will take the time to remind me to put me first, to throw my hat into the ring and dance around it.

Your support in applying boot to bottom is greatly appreciated.