Soaked

Filming the IIHF tournament was a rip roaring success. We put 15 games out into the ether and only had a handful of Hungarian stalkers come back. I'm putting that in the win column.

In the "I'm ready to start believing in God if my arse can somehow be saved from the fire" column is my show in the comedy festival.

Every now and again I'll be working on a project and the "can go wrong, will go wrong" curse will take hold. It's a blessing, but it's mostly a curse. It forces me to think outside the box and fix problems others deem unfixable. I assume this pre-determined life experience is preparing me for some greater purpose such as single handedly holding off the attack of a gigantic mining vessel so the shuttles and my newly born child can escape.

Certainly the original concept of the show resembles a boat on fire, but that's not to say the sexy Mexicans can't be rescued.

In fact at this very moment I am bundling supplies into a sack and launching a campaign to save myself. Admittedly I may need to put on a whale costume and pretend to be stuck in some ice, but if I can sway the weight of public support behind me then I'm next to certain I can sell 8, maybe even 11 tickets.

The sad fact is I need to sell 180 tickets and no amount of flailing about in the Wellington harbour attracting unsolicited interspecies relations is going to do it.

I can't say it'll be a total loss though, if we speak purely in un-monetary terms. I will get a private audience with the band and the band ain't bad  http://mattmulholland.com/

Bones

12 ice hockey games, 4 days, ahh my itchakafootchi.

Day off today and I am spending it laid out on the floor simply being aware of myself. The soreness joins the dots with the stiffness and I think that's what's holding me together.

It's been a great tournament to be a part of and the hockey has been of a high quality. Aside from cheering on the New Zealand team, I think my entire production crew has developed a soft spot for the Hungarian team. They've played well, but they also came and gave us hugs and a present - we'll be shamelessly cheering them on for the gold medal come Sunday against Italy. nzihl.tv

The other big thing in my life right now is the NZ Comedy Festival, you could call it the elephant in the room, but that would make the other elephants feel insecure about their size.

It's looming extremely large and having returned to New Zealand now realise just how big it is. Looking at it from the middle east it didn't seem quite so imposing, but I should realised that even being able to spot it on the horizon from that distance was some kind of clue to its ballooning importance.

I've sold exactly no tickets and fair cop as there's precious little to back that up right now. My challenge over the next couple of weeks is to change that.

Now I could go and cry to my friends and family, prostrating myself on the floors of their homes, weeping endlessly and ruining their carpet OR I could look at this as an opportunity to pull a great stunt.

I haven't done a stunt in a while and with the IIHF tournament ending I will have some time on my hands to try and make it work. The goal of course will be to get myself into the media, into the public eye and hopefully generate enough sales to deflate a substantial loss. Otherwise I may as well just stand in front of the venue owners, festival organisers and ticketing agents huffing wads of dollars in their faces with a weak ineffectual throw.

So here's me with two weeks to turn around what currently looks like an unmitigated disaster into enjoyable evening for all with yours truly. http://premier.ticketek.co.nz/Shows/Show.aspx?sh=JEZBROWN13#.UWjpebU0eSo 

Lions

It's been several days since I last stood in the middle eastern sunshine, though exactly how long I could not deduce without the help of a calender, I only found out the day of the week this morning. It is Wednesday.

My last days in the middle east were spent flitting between hotel rooms, trying to stay in my friends room for free as much as possible until I was locked out without my belongings, then forking out for alternative accommodation while trying to rescue my meagre possessions.

The air conditioning in this hotel was broken and I spent these last days struggling for sleep being baked alive. When there is no such thing as cold water and opening a window is like opening an oven, my only respite came pressed naked against the tiles on the floor.

I didn't quite accumulate all my things during this perfect period of preparation for 27 hours of travel and now need to organise them in my absence, but at the very least I am home, and considering my ongoing crisis of airports, this is no mean feat.

To travel half way round the world through various stops and not be late and not lose my passport and not lose my luggage or be in the wrong terminal or board the wrong plane or be mistaken for someone else is a sign of great success in itself, to have done it completely sleep deprived means I may be more efficient as a zombie.

My flight was pleasant enough, sandwiched between an off duty stewardess and an Australian policeman. My unreadable packet of Arabic mystery travel sickness pills worked a treat and none of the meals resembled anything as horrid as I had on Turkish Airways the month before. It was almost food.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire, I've arrived home to a mammoth to-do list and any thoughts of a break have been well and truly quashed. This week my company is filming a women's ice hockey tournament which you can watch here www.nzihl.tv, but next week I must turn my attention to the NZ International Comedy Festival and making sure my show is not a fizzer.

After that point the New Zealand ice hockey season will begin in full force and I will spend 4 days a week on the road for 10 weeks before deciding what to do next.

I'm not even sure where to live at the moment I'm out and about so much. Maybe I should get a cupboard I can visit or a trundler bed for a friend which I can sneakily utilize. I guess we'll only know the answer based on where I wake up.

Old Lastie

It's my last day of work in the middle east. 3 months have flown by as expected and it's time to go home.

I've learned a lot from being here, mostly from my multicultural coworkers who have been so quick to point out my racist indiscretions. Indiscretions I was wholly unaware of and then took advantage of for comedy value.

Still, learning about other peoples cultures and their views on different political, social and economic situations has been invaluable. It has given me new perspective on our issues back home in New Zealand and really made me want to kick John Key in the bollocks harder than ever before.

Did you know we are really dumb? Because we are really dumb. Talk about lambs to the slaughter, it'd be sad if it wasn't so laughable. Our isolation really hasn't done us any favours in this regard as outside political interests have taken hold in our lovable land. Our national penchant for not wanting to upset anybody by talking politics is really biting us in the bum.

There's a lot we should be talking about and I'll be brandishing a new comedy set that deals with this directly when I get back. I dare any of you to come to those shows, I think I've slipped my leash.

Anyway there are a number of things I have missed about New Zealand and am looking forward to when I get back, namely: sports on television that aren't friggin soccer, a pie, rain, playing cricket, casual swearing, seeing girls in the street, pornography and my homies.

I actually completely forgot about pornography until I was reminded, which weirds me out. It's almost like the middle east succeeded in squeezing that interest out of me. I am total odds with this fact.

Of the things I'll miss from here, the spicy chicken shwarma from the kebab place across the street sits highest on the list. Man if I could bottle that.

I'll also miss the good people from work who I was able to enjoy a laugh with on a regular basis. It actually bothers me quite a bit that I don't even know many of their names, but turnover here is so high that it would take true diligence and rigorous testing to keep up. I also find it strange that here in the middle east where we're all supposed to be so serious, my sense of humour has been much more warmly welcomed than in workplaces in New Zealand where we're all supposed to be so easy going.

It has been really nice to have so many reporters/producers seek me out to work with because they enjoy my company and that's given me tremendous confidence in myself and what I do.

You might think I'd also miss the sun, but I can tell you as a Kiwi you lose a bit of yourself out here not being able to constantly discuss the weather. You try, but noone bites, it's simply sunny. I can't wait to see rain again, I'm actually excited about it and know I will sleep like the dead the first night I hear it on the roof.

I have a couple of days left here before I fly home where I'll be essentially homeless, but nothing pretending to be an Australian woman and pretending to be married to a Finnish one can't solve. Coming off contract work decided I no longer needed accommodation despite booking my flights several days after I finished. I think I'll put that in the "nearly, not quite" basket of things I won't miss so much.